Timeframe for a Distant Ex-Partner's Return (and Identifying the Moment to Move On)

When you're trying to figure out how long to ride out an avoidant ex's bullshit, you're probably stuck in a swamp of awe and confusion. One moment, it feels like they were deeply tied to you; the next, they're gone as if they never existed. You're left refreshing your messages, replaying conversations, or scouring their social media for hints, all while questioning: Does this fucked-up individual ever comeback?

If this sounds painfully familiar, join the club. Hookups with avoidantly attached partners often go straight to Crazytown—intense love followed by sudden abandonment. It feels like a slap in the face, and you're left wondering, What the fuck happened?

Here's the thing: avoidant attachment isn't about a lack of love. It stems from a deep-seated fear of intimacy and vulnerability. The closer someone gets to their emotional core, the more threatening it seems. Not because they don't love you—but because closeness can bring about feelings of engulfment, loss of autonomy, and unresolved pain from earlier life experiences.

To lively things up, let's look at the reasons avoidants leave even when feelings are strong.

Reasons Avoidants Bail, Even with Strong Feelings

Childhood scars: Most avoidants were raised in topsy-turvy emotional environments where expressing feelings may have been met with ridicule, disapproval, or inconsistent responses. For them, relationships can be a minefield between their longing for connection and their need to protect their emotions. Love becomes an emotional battleground, a struggle between wanting to be close yet fearing the pain that comes with it.
Fear of intimacy: These individuals may have a fear of losing their sense of individuality when someone gets too close. They may enter relationships gratefully, but as they become more emotionally invested, they start to retreat to avoid the vulnerability that comes with closeness.
Past hurts resurface: The tiniest trigger can set off alarms in an avoidant's mind, bringing up painful memories from their past that they haven't dealt with yet. Suddenly, the fear of opening up becomes too much to handle, and they're gone in a flash.

Now that we've addressed WHY avoidants bail despite strong feelings, let's see if they EVER come back.

Do Avoidant Exes Ever Come Back?

The answer is sometimes—but, as you've probably guessed, there's a catch. Avoidants can return out of longing, but not always with a commitment to growth. If you're desperate to get your avoidant ex back, you'll want to discern whether they're coming back out of regret, nostalgia, or because they honestly want to change.

Signs They Aren't Ready to Change

Lack of Clarity: Vague communication or evasiveness about their intentions is a major red flag. If they can't clearly express their desires, it's a sign they're not committed to change.
Broken Promises: If they consistently make promises and then fail to follow through, it shows they're not taking their commitment to change seriously.
Minimal Effort: Lack of effort to rebuild the relationship or to address the issues that caused the breakup can indicate that they're not fully invested in making things work.

With that being said, let's tackle the big question: How long should you wait before calling it quits?

Waiting Like a Damned Fool

No one can tell you exactly how long to wait; only you can determine when it's time to cut ties and move on. But there are a few signs that may help you decide when to cut the cord.

Emotional Maturity: If your avoidant ex is willing to do the work to change and actively seeks therapy or support, they might be worth waiting for. However, if they're unwilling to take personal responsibility for their actions and put in the effort to change, it might be time to move on.
Clear Communication: Look for signs they are actively working to establish clear and healthy communication patterns. This includes setting boundaries, engaging in open discussions, and actively listening to your needs.
Honesty and Accountability: If your avoidant partner is willing to own their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions, it shows they are serious about personal growth. But if they continue to blame others or engage in victim mentality, chances are they're not ready to change.

Now, you might be wondering: When should you give up hope and move on? Let's dive into that important question next.

Saying Fuck It: When to Move On

If you've been ghosted and are still refreshing your messages, there might come a time when you ask yourself, When the fuck should I stop waiting for this phantom ex to come back? Here are some key signs that it's time to call it quits:

Radio Silence: If your avoidant ex hasn't contacted you, they're obviously not putting in any effort. Persistent silence usually means they're not interested in pursuing a relationship with you.
Lack of Progress: If your avoidant ex isn't taking the necessary steps to change and break their negative patterns, it's time to walk away.
Emotional Dissonance: If their words and actions don't align and you're left feeling more confused than hopeful, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

At the end of the day, the goal isn't to simply get your avoidant ex back for their sake. It's to stop neglecting yourself in the process. Instead of chasing after someone who can't give you the relationship you deserve, focus on healing and finding someone who can.

Navigating the intricacies of avoidant attachment in relationships might lead you to seek out therapy, offering an avenue to better understand and manage emotions.
Recognizing the importance of boundaries in relationships can help prevent unhealthy dynamics, fostering a more balanced connection.
Communication plays a crucial role in establishing trust in relationships—forming an essential part of the healing process after experiencing trauma.
In art, expression and exploration often help individuals delve into their inner feelings and attachments, promoting growth and emotional intelligence.
Science has shed light on the roots of avoidant attachment, demonstrating how early life experiences shape our relationships in adulthood, emphasizing the need for self-awareness and mental health in relationships.
Cultivating confidence in yourself is essential when navigating the complexities of relationships with avoidantly attached partners, empowering you to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Healing from past attachments and traumas often involves a focus on health-and-wellness practices, enabling personal growth and emotional resilience.
Establishing trust takes time, especially in relationships that have been tainted by avoidance, but it is an essential component for true emotional and physical intimacy.
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle can strengthen your emotional and psychological well-being, providing a solid foundation for forming meaningful, attached relationships.
Ultimately, the pursuit of a fulfilling relationship should not involve continuously waiting for someone to change, but instead, finding someone who already aligns with your emotional needs and values, fostering a lasting bond of trust and connection.