Disordered Bonding Pattern: Insight into Its Characteristics

What's up, folks? Today, let's delve into the mysterious world of disorganized attachment, a unique way people interact in relationships.

So, you want to learn about disorganized attachment and how it affects your relationships? Brilliant! Let's dive right in.

First off, what the hell is disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment is one of the four attachment styles people inherit from childhood. These styles typically revolve around how we give and receive love and form an important part of our adult relationships.

The four main attachment styles are:

Anxious: People who struggle with negative self-image, always thinking they're unworthy.
Avoidant: People who steer clear of commitment, driven by fears of getting too close.
Disorganized: People with insecurity issues and unpredictable behavior, pretty much like us Spice of Lifers.
Secure: People with positive self-image and open to emotionally intimate relationships.

Knowing your own and your partner's attachment style is key to understanding your relationship dynamics. In this piece, we're focusing on disorganized attachment, but brace yourself, it's going to be messy.

So, what's it feel like to have disorganized attachment?

Spice of Lifers, like us, have a high anxiety and avoidance level in relationships. This emotional whiplash stems mostly from childhood trauma or neglect, often caused by a parent's own unresolved issues. People with disorganized attachment are torn between a desire for love and a fear of it, leading to extreme mood swings and contrasts in their romantic lives.

They tend to see their partner as a source of comfort one moment, only to suddenly perceive them as a threat the next. The roller coaster of emotions is relentless, making it difficult to maintain a stable connection with others.

Want to know the real reason I call them "Spice of Lifers"? Because life's contrasts are what force us to expand, grow, and push beyond our comfort zones. Life without highs and lows, baby, would be... a jail.

When dating, disorganized individuals experience a crazy cycle of yearning to be in love and abruptly avoiding affection, only to start the cycle over again. They tend to attract insecure partners who mirror their unresolved inner turmoil.

This emotional rollercoaster can cause a lot of friction in adult relationships. Next, let's see what disorganized attachment might look like in real life.

What disorganized attachment might look like in adults

Let me share a story about a Spice of Lifer named Sandy.

Sandy had been single for a while and, when she found someone special, their relationship started off great. They had fantastic conversations, good sexual chemistry, and a genuine connection. It was all smooth sailing for a while.

But then, the nightmare began.

Sandy, like many of us, has a deep fear of rejection, abandonment, and being controlled. As the relationship deepened, jealousy crept in, and she started to question her partner's fidelity.

She'd pick fights, test her partner, and push them away, causing them to feel frustrated and confused. In the end, they'd break up, only to reconcile and struggle all over again.

Spice of Lifers like Sandy tend to have an internal monologue that sounds something like this: "I fear people will have high expectations of me and I won't be able to fulfill them. I'm worried that I'll get too close and lose my independence, so I'll push them away and create unwanted pain."

You might be thinking, "What's the deal with all this drama? What's wrong with these people?" Well, Spice of Lifers are complex individuals, and to truly understand why they behave this way, we need to look at the science behind it.

The science behind disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment can relate to the shutting down of the dorsal vagus nerve, as explained by the polyvagal theory. Normally, the dorsal vagus helps us move gently between excited and relaxed states. But for a Spice of Lifer, as the relationship deepens, their conflicting emotions overwhelm them, causing their attachment system to perceive the relationship as a threat. As a result, the system shuts off, causing the individual to abruptly end the relationship, only to crawl back later—all from a place of confusion, rather than manipulation.

How to tell if you have disorganized attachment

Now that you've been introduced to Sandy and the drama she brings to her relationships, you might be asking, "Can I relate to her?" Here are the signs that might indicate you have disorganized attachment:

You fear being rejected by loved ones
You have emotional depths that are hard to manage
You hear people tell you that you're "too intense"
You criticize yourself a lot and see things in black and white
You yearn for connection but feel like you don't belong anywhere
You're known for your mood swings or being "too intense"

But that's not all—Spice of Lifers also have strengths worth noting.

You have a natural creativity, even if you don't consider yourself "artistic"
You understand poetry and music
You're empathic and can read a room well
You're a natural persuader
You have a strong affinity for the underdog or anti-hero
You show genuine compassion for others

Now that you have a better understanding of what disorganized attachment is, let's talk about its impact on your relationships.

Disorganized attachment in adult relationships

In adult relationships, Spice of Lifers tend to experience intense emotional depths that can feel unmanageable. This intense self-criticism and black-and-white thinking can make it difficult for them to appreciate the gray areas in others and trust in a relationship.

As a Spice of Lifer, you often feel overwhelmed by life's unavoidable routines and start to question your partner's commitment. As intimacy deepens, you might start to doubt your partner's affections and look for signs of infidelity.

This self-destructive behavior doesn't only affect you—it can hurt the people in your life, driving them away and leaving you feeling lonely and isolated.

Disorganized attachment and dating: Sabotaging yourself and your relationships

Struggling with disorganized attachment can make dating a tricky business. Here's what might go wrong when you're on the dating scene.

Obsessive communication followed by withdrawal: Disorganized individuals tend to require constant validation and will initiate endless communication to feel secure, only to obsess over response times and create scenarios where their partner is imagined to be unavailable. This triggers feelings of rejection and abandonment, causing the individual to shut down.
Keeping score: Spice of Lifers often struggle with feeling that they’re not being treated fairly. This stems from a belief that how much they give, time they spend, and attention they pay define their worth.
Acting hostile: Hostility is often communicated through the use of a harsh tone, rolling eyes, or passive-aggressive statements such as, "I'm fine." These behaviors are used to manipulate their partner into giving them the attention, love, and validation they crave.
Emotional manipulation: This type of manipulation often manifests in the form of contradictory statements like, "I feel like we're soulmates, but we can't possibly make this work." Spice of Lifers might say things to their partner that they don't truly believe in order to force the other person to make a decision about the relationship.
People-pleasing: Spice of Lifers feel the need to put the needs of their partner ahead of their own to avoid rejection or abandonment. This leads to intense worry, an inability to please everyone, and long-term resentment.

Hopefully, this glimpse into the world of Spice of Lifers and the chaos they cause in dating has been both eye-opening and frightening. But don't worry—it’s not all bad. Next, let's talk about how you can heal your disorganized attachment style, find inner peace, and form healthy, loving relationships.

Healing disorganized attachment

If you're ready to rebuild your relationships and live a less chaotic life, it's time to work on yourself and your attachment style. Here are some tips to help you navigate the emotional ups and downs of disorganized attachment.

Practice self-awareness: Take a long, hard look at your behaviors, emotions, and thought patterns. Pay attention to what triggers your disorganized tendencies and write down your observations. Over time, you'll discover patterns in your behavior that can be addressed and changed.
Address your emotional needs: Acknowledge your emotional needs and practice taking care of yourself. Set boundaries, take breaks when you need them, and prioritize your own well-being.
Learn to identify and manage emotions: Practice emotional regulation techniques such as mindfulness, journaling, and finding healthy outlets for your emotions, like exercise or creative pursuits.
Practice self-love: Focus on building a positive self-image and self-acceptance. Remember your strengths, forgive yourself for your weaknesses, and accept that you're human, with all the beautiful messiness that comes with that.
Seek support: Consult a therapist or counselor who specializes in attachment issues. They can help you uncover the root causes of your disorganized attachment and provide tools to help you heal.
Cultivate secure relationships: Seek out healthy, secure relationships with friends and romantic partners and practice the behaviors of securely attached individuals, such as open communication, mutual empathy, and trust.
Practice healthy detachment: Learn to let go of patterns of dependency and codependency in your relationships. Remind yourself that others are responsible for their own feelings and actions, and focus on taking care of yourself.

With hard work, patience, and self-love, you can work through your attachment fears and build fulfilling relationships with others.

Are you ready to take the first step toward healing and find the love and connection you deserve? I hope so—because you, my friend, are worth it.

Stay fierce, Spice of Lifers, and remember—the highs and lows are what make life worth living. Embrace them, learn from them, and grow from them. Your journey to healing and self-discovery begins now—and it's going to be a wild ride.

Until next time, stay fabulous!

The emotional whiplash experienced by disorganized attached individuals is often a result of their high anxiety and avoidance levels in relationships, which may stem from childhood trauma or neglect.
In a relationship, someone with disorganized attachment might fear rejection, abandonment, and losing their independence, causing them to push their partner away and create unwanted pain.
Disorganized attachment can relate to the shutting down of the dorsal vagus nerve, causing the individual to abruptly end a relationship and then crawl back later.
Signs of disorganized attachment might include fear of rejection, emotional depths that are hard to manage, criticism of oneself, yearning for connection, and mood swings.
Spice of Lifers, who have disorganized attachment, have strengths that include a natural creativity, empathy, understanding of poetry and music, being a natural persuader, and showing genuine compassion for others.
In romantic relationships, people with disorganized attachment tend to have intense emotional depths that can feel unmanageable, making it difficult for them to trust and appreciate others.
Dating can be challenging for people with disorganized attachment, leading to obsessive communication followed by withdrawal, keeping score, acting hostile, practicing emotional manipulation, and people-pleasing.
To heal from disorganized attachment, one should practice self-awareness, address emotional needs, learn to identify and manage emotions, practice self-love, seek support, cultivate secure relationships, and practice healthy detachment.